Not So Different

A Conversation by the Pond

The ducks seemed perfectly content.

Eagle Eye watched two of them drift across the pond at Mill Creek Park, occasionally dipping their heads beneath the surface. A third had stationed itself near the bank, apparently convinced that anyone approaching the water must be carrying bread.

His camera rested beside him on the bench.

Maggie sat at the other end, watching the ducks herself.

Neither had said much for several minutes.

That was one thing Eagle Eye appreciated about Maggie. She didn't seem to believe every silence needed filling.

Finally, she spoke.

"I saw Ray again."

Eagle Eye kept watching the pond.

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

Another silence.

"How's he doing?"

Maggie considered the question.

"Some days better than others."

Eagle Eye nodded.

"He asked about you."

That got his attention.

"What about me?"

"He wanted to know if you were doing all right. After what happened."

Eagle Eye looked back toward the water.

"I'm fine."

Maggie smiled slightly.

"That's a pretty popular answer around our bunch."

He returned the smile, but it didn't last.

"He's sorry, you know," she continued. "Really sorry."

"I know. You told me."

"He'd like to tell you himself."

Eagle Eye turned toward her.

"You mean see him?"

"Yeah."

"At the sanctuary?"

"No. I was thinking maybe somewhere we could all sit down and talk."

Eagle Eye was quiet.

He remembered Ray's face that afternoon. The anger. The threats. Big Donnie and Slim stepping between them.

He remembered being frightened.

And he remembered how difficult it had been to get the incident out of his head afterward.

"I don't know, Maggie."

"I figured you might say that."

"It's not that I don't want to."

"I know."

"I mean, I understand he's had a rough time. Charlie explained some of it. You did, too."

Maggie nodded.

"But that doesn't make what happened any less frightening."

"No," she said. "It doesn't."

Eagle Eye picked up his camera, then put it down again.

"Where were you thinking?"

"Well, that's part of what I wanted to talk about."

She watched a duck paddle toward the opposite bank.

"I suggested meeting somewhere public. Maybe over coffee."

"That might work."

"Ray wasn't too comfortable with it."

Eagle Eye looked at her.

"Why?"

Maggie hesitated.

"He's not real comfortable around people these days."

Eagle Eye almost laughed.

"Neither am I."

"I know."

She turned toward him.

"He worries about people recognizing him. Remembering the accident. Remembering the cop he used to be."

"People probably do remember him."

"They do. And some remember him differently than others."

Eagle Eye considered that.

"He's afraid they're judging him?"

"I think so. He's afraid they'll look at him and see everything he's lost instead of the man he was."

Eagle Eye looked down at his hands.

He understood that feeling.

There had been plenty of times when he'd wondered what people thought of him. Why he didn't go places. Why he avoided things other people did without thinking.

Sometimes the fear of being noticed was nearly as bad as whatever he'd been afraid of in the first place.

"Where does he want to meet?"

"His house."

Eagle Eye's stomach tightened.

"Oh."

Maggie waited.

"That's a lot different."

"I know."

"I've never been there."

"No."

"I don't know the house."

"No."

"And Ray..."

He didn't finish.

Maggie didn't make him.

"I know what happened, Eagle Eye."

He stared across the pond.

"I want to help him, Maggie. I really do. But I don't know if I can walk into his house."

"Then you don't have to."

He looked at her.

"Nobody's making you do anything," she continued. "I told Ray I'd talk to you. That's all I promised."

Eagle Eye nodded.

A minute passed.

"Does he go out much?"

"Not like he used to."

"So he's kind of stuck there."

"In some ways."

Eagle Eye watched the ducks again.

He knew what that was like.

Home was where he could control things. Where he knew the doors, the rooms, the sounds. Where he didn't have to explain why he wanted to leave, because he was already where he wanted to be.

Maybe Ray felt something similar.

"I can understand why he'd want to stay home," he said.

Maggie nodded.

"But going there..."

"That's the hard part."

"Yeah."

He sat quietly for another moment.

"Can I ask you some things?"

"Of course."

"If I went, would you be there?"

"The entire time."

"And we'd take separate cars?"

"If that's what you want."

"I think I'd need that."

"Then that's what we'll do."

Eagle Eye looked toward the parking lot.

"What if I get there and can't go inside?"

"Then you don't go inside."

"What if I go in and want to leave?"

"Then you leave."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"What if Ray gets upset?"

Maggie's expression grew serious.

"Then we stop the conversation. And if you're uncomfortable, you leave. I can't promise how Ray will feel or react, Eagle Eye. I can promise I won't pressure you to stay."

He appreciated that she hadn't told him everything would be fine.

There were few things more frustrating than someone promising that nothing bad would happen when nobody could possibly know.

"There's something else."

"Go ahead."

"I need to know where the door is."

Maggie waited.

"I mean, I know that sounds stupid."

"It doesn't."

"If we're sitting somewhere, I need to be close to the way out. I can't have Ray between me and the door."

"Okay."

"And I'd rather you were between us."

"Okay."

"You don't think he'd take that the wrong way?"

"Ray doesn't need to know why we're sitting where we're sitting. I'll arrange it."

Eagle Eye looked at her.

"You'd do that?"

"Of course."

He breathed a little easier.

"I don't want to insult him."

"I know you don't."

"And if I need to leave, I don't want to have to explain why."

"Then don't."

She turned toward him.

"Listen. You're going there to give someone a chance to talk. You're not signing a contract. If you've had enough, you get up, walk out, get in your car, and go home."

Eagle Eye smiled faintly.

"You make it sound easy."

"I didn't say it would be easy."

That made him laugh.

Maggie smiled.

"But at least you'll know you can leave."

He looked toward the pond again.

One of the ducks had climbed onto the bank and was busy shaking water from its feathers.

For several minutes, neither spoke.

Then Eagle Eye picked up his camera.

"All right."

Maggie turned.

"All right?"

"I'll try."

She nodded.

"That's all anybody can ask."

The Longest Drive

The drive to Ray's house gave Eagle Eye plenty of time to reconsider.

He had the address in his GPS. Maggie had gone over the arrangements. They were meeting at eleven.

Everything was settled.

Except his mind.

What if Ray was having a bad day?

What if something he said upset him?

What if Ray started yelling?

What if he couldn't get out of the house quickly enough?

He glanced at the clock.

Maybe he should turn around.

Nobody would blame him.

Maggie had made that clear.

He could simply call her and say he couldn't do it.

But he kept driving.

He thought about what Maggie had told him at the park.

Ray didn't like being around people anymore.

Ray worried about being judged.

Ray wanted to stay somewhere familiar.

Those things made sense to Eagle Eye.

He knew that feeling of wanting to be part of the world while simultaneously wishing the world would leave him alone.

At the next intersection, he stopped for a red light.

His hands tightened around the steering wheel.

He reminded himself that he had his own car.

He could leave whenever he wanted.

Maggie would be there.

He knew where the door would be.

Well, he didn't actually know that yet.

But he would.

The light turned green.

He continued driving.

The First Step

Ray lived on a quiet residential street in South Portland.

The houses were modest but well maintained. Lawns had been cut, flower beds tended, and shrubs trimmed neatly along the foundations.

Eagle Eye slowed as he approached the address.

Ray's house looked much like the others.

But not quite.

The grass was a little longer. Weeds had begun pushing through the cracks in the walkway, and a small garden bed near the porch had lost its battle with the encroaching lawn.

Nothing was falling apart.

It simply looked like a place where someone had once taken considerable pride in keeping things neat but had lately found it harder to keep up.

Eagle Eye noticed.

He pulled into the driveway behind Maggie's car.

For a moment, he remained seated.

The engine was off.

The keys were in his hand.

He looked toward the front door.

He could still leave.

That thought helped.

Maggie stepped out of her car and waved.

Eagle Eye opened his door.

"Morning," she called.

"Morning."

"You doing okay?"

He considered giving his usual answer.

Instead, he shrugged.

"Nervous."

"I figured."

She walked beside him toward the porch.

Ray appeared in the doorway before they reached it.

He looked different from the angry man Eagle Eye remembered.

He was wearing jeans and a faded polo shirt. His hair was slightly disheveled, and he seemed older somehow.

Not necessarily in years.

Just tired.

"Morning, Maggie."

"Morning, Ray."

Ray glanced toward Eagle Eye.

Eagle Eye stopped at the bottom of the porch steps.

Maggie climbed a couple of steps before noticing.

She turned.

"Well," she said, "maybe we ought to start with a proper introduction."

Ray looked puzzled.

Maggie smiled.

"Ray, this is Landon. Though I suspect you're more familiar with Eagle Eye."

Ray looked at him.

"Landon, this is Ray O'Donovan."

Ray came forward a step.

"Yeah. I know."

For a moment, nobody spoke.

Then Ray looked directly at Eagle Eye.

"Listen, kid. I'm sorry."

Eagle Eye hadn't expected that.

Ray continued.

"What I did that day was wrong. I shouldn't have treated you that way."

Eagle Eye nodded.

Ray looked uncomfortable.

"I just wanted you to know that."

"Thank you," Eagle Eye said quietly.

Ray stepped aside.

"Come on in, if you'd like."

Eagle Eye looked at Maggie.

She gave him a small, reassuring nod.

He climbed the steps.

The Man in the Mirror

The living room was comfortable, if a little cluttered.

A television occupied one corner. Several framed photographs rested on shelves beside it. A stack of newspapers sat on a small table.

An older recliner faced the television.

Ray gestured toward the couch.

"Have a seat."

Maggie smiled.

"Actually, Ray, why don't you take your usual spot down there? Landon can have the recliner."

Ray shrugged.

"Suit yourselves."

He settled at the far end of the couch.

Maggie sat at the end nearest the recliner.

Eagle Eye remained standing for another moment.

From where he stood, he could see the doorway leading to the front hall.

Beyond it was the front door.

A few steps.

Nothing between him and the way out.

He sat.

Maggie caught his eye briefly.

He nodded.

Ray shifted on the couch.

"Anybody want coffee?"

"I'm fine," Maggie said.

Eagle Eye shook his head.

"No, thank you."

Ray rested his hands on his knees.

"Well."

"Well," Maggie repeated.

Ray gave a short, uncomfortable laugh.

"This is awkward as hell."

That brought a small smile from Eagle Eye.

"Yeah," he admitted.

Ray leaned back.

"I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry again."

Eagle Eye looked at him.

"I mean it," Ray continued. "I really do. I don't remember everything that happened that day. Some of it, honestly, is a blank."

He paused.

"But that's no excuse."

Eagle Eye remained silent.

"I know I threatened you. Maggie told me what happened. And I know enough about myself these days to believe her."

Ray looked down.

"You didn't deserve that. Nobody does."

He rubbed his hands together.

"I'm ashamed of it."

Eagle Eye nodded.

He wanted to say something.

But he remembered the last time he'd tried talking to Ray.

Nothing he'd said had seemed to matter.

So he remained quiet.

Ray glanced toward Maggie.

She nodded.

"Thank you for saying that, Ray. That's important."

Ray sighed.

"I know you've probably heard about my accident."

Eagle Eye nodded again.

"Charlie told me a little. Maggie, too."

"Yeah. Well..."

Ray looked toward the photographs on the shelf.

"I could sit here and tell you about the accident. About the injuries. The pain. The things I can't remember anymore."

He shook his head.

"But none of that changes what I did."

"No," Eagle Eye said quietly.

Ray looked back at him.

"And I don't want you thinking I'm using any of it as an excuse."

"I don't."

Ray leaned forward.

"The thing is, kid, I don't understand myself half the time anymore."

His voice had changed.

The awkward defensiveness was disappearing.

"Sometimes I get angry, and I don't even know why. Little things set me off. Things that wouldn't have bothered me before."

He stared at the floor.

"I spent my life trying to protect people."

Eagle Eye listened.

"That's what being a cop meant to me. You helped people. You kept them safe. You did what you could."

Ray swallowed.

"And now I scare people."

Neither Maggie nor Eagle Eye spoke.

Ray shook his head.

"I look in the mirror some mornings, and I don't even recognize the guy looking back."

His voice grew quieter.

"I hate that."

He rubbed a hand across his face.

"I hate feeling like a burden. I hate needing help with things I used to do without thinking. I hate not knowing what kind of day I'm going to have."

He paused.

"Mostly, I just want to be the old me again."

Eagle Eye felt something shift inside him.

He understood that.

More than Ray could possibly know.

Ray continued.

"But I don't know how to get there."

The room grew quiet.

Then Eagle Eye spoke.

"I understand."

Ray looked up.

Eagle Eye hesitated.

"I mean, not everything you're going through. I don't know what that's like."

Ray waited.

"But I understand what it feels like when your world gets smaller."

Ray studied him.

"And you don't know why it's happening," Eagle Eye continued. "You just know there are things you used to do that you can't seem to do anymore."

He looked down at his hands.

"And you want everything to be the way it was before."

Ray nodded slowly.

"Yeah."

"But you don't know how to make that happen."

Ray leaned forward.

"That's exactly it."

Eagle Eye looked at him.

"You feel powerless."

Ray sat back.

"Jesus, kid."

He shook his head.

"You hit the nail right on the head."

Eagle Eye gave a small, uncomfortable smile.

"I've had some experience with that."

Ray looked curious.

"What do you mean?"

Eagle Eye glanced toward Maggie.

She said nothing.

He looked back at Ray.

"I have anxiety."

Ray nodded.

"Everybody gets nervous sometimes."

Eagle Eye smiled faintly.

"Yeah. But this is a little different."

Ray waited.

"There were years when I hardly left my house."

Ray's expression changed.

"Years?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Eagle Eye considered the question.

"Because I was afraid."

"Of what?"

Eagle Eye gave a small shrug.

"That's the problem. Sometimes I didn't really know."

Ray looked puzzled.

"I mean, I knew what I was afraid might happen. But I couldn't always explain why those things frightened me so much."

He paused.

"There were places I wanted to go. Things I wanted to do. But when it came time to actually do them..."

He shook his head.

"I couldn't."

Ray was listening carefully now.

"I'd make plans," Eagle Eye continued. "I'd think about doing something for days. Sometimes weeks. And then the day would come, and my mind would start coming up with all the reasons I shouldn't go."

"What reasons?"

"Anything. Everything. Things that could go wrong. Things that probably wouldn't go wrong."

Eagle Eye looked toward the front door.

"Even coming here today."

Ray followed his gaze.

"You were afraid to come here?"

Eagle Eye looked back at him.

"Yeah, Ray. I was."

Ray's face fell.

"Because of me."

"Because of what happened."

Ray nodded.

Eagle Eye continued.

"But Maggie helped me figure out a way I could try."

He glanced at her.

"She gave me a way to leave if I needed to."

Ray looked toward Maggie.

Then back at Eagle Eye.

"So you came anyway."

"Yeah."

Ray sat quietly.

"That couldn't have been easy."

"It wasn't."

For the first time since Eagle Eye had arrived, Ray seemed to be looking at him differently.

Not as the quiet photographer from the sanctuary.

Not as someone who had been frightened by his anger.

But as someone who knew something about struggling.

"I didn't know any of that," Ray said.

Eagle Eye shrugged.

"Most people don't."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't usually tell them."

Ray nodded.

"Yeah."

He looked toward the window.

"I guess I understand that."

Maggie sat quietly between them.

She had brought them together.

Now she was content to let them talk.

Ray rubbed his knee absently.

"You know what really gets to me?"

Eagle Eye shook his head.

"People remember who I used to be."

He looked toward the photographs again.

"They remember the cop who could handle himself. The guy who could take charge when something went wrong."

He paused.

"And then they see me now."

Eagle Eye understood.

"You wonder what they're thinking."

"Exactly."

"Whether they're disappointed."

Ray looked at him.

"Yeah."

"Whether they think you should be doing better than you are."

Ray nodded.

"Yeah."

Eagle Eye smiled sadly.

"I've thought about that a lot myself."

Ray studied him for a moment.

"Funny."

"What?"

"I never would have figured you for somebody dealing with all that."

Eagle Eye chuckled.

"Most people don't."

Ray shook his head.

"Guess you never really know what somebody's carrying around."

Eagle Eye nodded.

"No. You don't."

They sat quietly for a while.

Outside, a car passed along the street.

Ray looked toward the window again.

"Some days I feel like life threw me a curveball I never saw coming."

Eagle Eye smiled.

"Yeah."

"And I swung at it anyway."

"Sometimes that's all you can do."

Ray laughed softly.

"Didn't even come close."

Eagle Eye considered that.

"Well, it's only one strike."

Ray turned toward him.

"What?"

"One strike. Doesn't mean the game's over."

Ray looked at him for a long moment.

Then he smiled.

"That's not bad, kid."

Eagle Eye shrugged.

"Just something to think about."

Ray looked down at his hands.

"Maybe there's still a few pitches left."

"Probably."

Ray nodded.

"Probably."

The conversation eventually drifted toward easier subjects.

Ray asked about Eagle Eye's photography. Eagle Eye told him about some of the wildlife he'd photographed around South Portland.

Ray remembered responding to calls at Bug Light years earlier, back when he was still patrolling.

There were a few laughs.

A few comfortable silences.

And eventually, Eagle Eye glanced at the clock.

He had been there longer than he'd expected.

"I should probably get going."

Ray nodded.

"Yeah. Sure."

They stood.

Maggie walked with Eagle Eye toward the front door.

Ray followed at a comfortable distance.

On the porch, Eagle Eye turned.

"Ray?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for talking with me."

Ray nodded.

"Thank you for coming."

He hesitated.

"And Landon?"

Eagle Eye looked at him.

"I'm glad Maggie talked you into it."

Eagle Eye smiled.

"She didn't really talk me into it."

Ray looked puzzled.

"She just helped me figure out how I could do it."

Ray glanced toward Maggie.

Then he nodded.

"Yeah. That sounds like her."

Eagle Eye walked down the steps.

At his car, he turned and gave a small wave.

Ray returned it.

Then Eagle Eye got in and drove away.

Another Chance

Maggie remained on the porch.

Ray watched Eagle Eye's car disappear around the corner.

"He's a good kid."

"Yes, he is."

Ray leaned against the porch railing.

"I had no idea what he'd been through."

"Most people don't."

Ray shook his head.

"And after what I did to him..."

He stopped.

Maggie waited.

"I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd never wanted to see me again."

"Neither would I."

Ray looked at her.

"You always were good at making a guy feel better."

Maggie laughed.

"You want somebody to lie to you, Ray, you've got the wrong woman."

He smiled.

"I know."

They stood quietly for a moment.

Then Maggie spoke.

"I'd like you to come back to the sanctuary sometime."

Ray looked surprised.

"You think that's a good idea?"

"I think it could be."

"What about the Boys?"

"I'll talk to them."

Ray shook his head.

"After what happened, I don't know."

"Ray, those men care about people. You know that."

"Yeah."

"But there are going to have to be some understandings."

He looked at her.

"Such as?"

"The gun."

Ray frowned slightly.

"What about it?"

"It stays out of the sanctuary."

He considered that.

"You mean I can't carry?"

"Not when you're sitting with us."

Ray looked away.

Maggie continued.

"I'm not asking you to change what you do everywhere else. I'm telling you what needs to happen if you're going to come back and spend time with the Boys."

Ray was quiet.

"And it's not just you," she added. "Nobody needs a gun around that spool."

Ray nodded slowly.

"Fair enough."

"Fair enough?"

"Yeah. It stays in the car."

Maggie nodded.

"Good."

Ray looked toward the street again.

"You really think they'll have me back?"

"I think they're capable of giving somebody another chance."

Ray sighed.

"I'd like that."

Maggie smiled.

"Then let's see what we can do."

Making Room

By the time Maggie arrived at the sanctuary, Eagle Eye was already sitting in his usual chair.

Big Donnie was telling Mickey about something that had happened at the grocery store.

Judging by the way Slim was shaking his head, the story had probably grown considerably since the actual event.

"Well, look who finally decided to show up," Big Donnie announced as Maggie came through the brush.

"Miss me?"

"Terribly."

"You'll survive."

She settled into her chair.

Charlie looked toward Eagle Eye.

"You two were busy this morning."

Eagle Eye nodded.

"Had something to take care of."

Big Donnie raised an eyebrow.

"Something?"

"Yeah."

"What kind of something?"

Eagle Eye shrugged.

"Just something."

Slim grinned.

"Well, that clears that up."

Maggie smiled.

"We went to see Ray."

The sanctuary fell silent.

Big Donnie stopped talking.

Slim straightened in his chair.

Mickey looked from Maggie to Eagle Eye.

"You did what?" Big Donnie asked.

"We went to see Ray."

"Ray O'Donovan?"

"How many Rays do you know?" Maggie asked.

Big Donnie ignored her.

"You went to his house?"

Eagle Eye nodded.

"Yeah."

"Without telling us?"

"Yeah."

Big Donnie stared at him.

"After what happened?"

Eagle Eye shifted slightly in his chair.

Slim leaned forward.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Everything go all right?"

"It did."

Big Donnie shook his head.

"Jesus, Eagle Eye. We would've gone with you."

"I know."

"That's what we're here for. We look out for each other."

Eagle Eye smiled.

"I know that, too."

Charlie spoke quietly.

"Did you want to go?"

Eagle Eye looked at him.

He nodded.

"Yeah. I did."

Charlie studied him for a moment.

"Then I'm glad you made that decision for yourself."

Big Donnie looked toward Charlie.

"You're not worried about this?"

"Of course I am."

"Well, you sure don't sound it."

Charlie turned toward Eagle Eye.

"He's sitting here, Donnie. He's all right. Maybe we ought to hear what he has to say."

Big Donnie settled back.

"All right."

Maggie looked toward Eagle Eye.

"You want to tell them?"

He hesitated.

Then nodded.

"We talked."

Slim waited.

"And?"

Eagle Eye smiled faintly.

"That's pretty much it."

Big Donnie threw up his hands.

"Oh, come on!"

Maggie laughed.

"Give him a chance."

Eagle Eye looked around the circle.

"Ray apologized. For what happened."

Nobody spoke.

"He didn't try to excuse it. He said he was ashamed."

Big Donnie looked skeptical.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Eagle Eye paused.

"And we talked about some other things."

"Like what?" Mickey asked.

"His accident. How things have changed for him."

They listened.

"And some things I've dealt with, too."

Charlie nodded slightly.

Eagle Eye looked down.

"We're not exactly alike. Not even close."

He paused.

"But I understand him a little better now."

Slim leaned back.

"Understand him?"

"Yeah."

Big Donnie frowned.

"After what he did?"

Eagle Eye looked at him.

"I didn't say what he did was okay."

The words hung there for a moment.

"I said I understand him better."

Charlie nodded.

"There's a difference."

"Yeah," Eagle Eye said. "There is."

Maggie leaned forward.

"Which brings me to something else."

Big Donnie looked suspicious.

"Uh-oh."

"I'd like Ray to start coming around again."

Slim raised his eyebrows.

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

Big Donnie shook his head.

"I don't know about that."

"Neither do I," Mickey said.

Maggie nodded.

"I understand."

She looked around the circle.

"But I think he deserves an opportunity to show us he's trying."

Slim folded his arms.

"What about the gun?"

"I already talked to him."

Everyone looked at her.

"He agreed that if he comes to the sanctuary, he leaves it in his car."

Big Donnie considered that.

"And he's okay with that?"

"Yes."

Slim looked toward Eagle Eye.

"What do you think?"

Eagle Eye was quiet for a moment.

Then he looked around at the people who had become such an important part of his life.

"I think he should come back."

Big Donnie studied him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"After everything?"

Eagle Eye nodded.

"I think he deserves another chance."

Nobody spoke for a moment.

Then Charlie leaned back in his chair.

"Well, I suppose that settles my vote."

Maggie smiled.

Slim looked toward Big Donnie.

Big Donnie sighed.

"Fine."

He pointed a finger toward Maggie.

"But if he starts any of that nonsense again—"

"We'll deal with it," she said.

Slim nodded.

"Fair enough."

Mickey had been unusually quiet.

Finally, he leaned forward.

"All right. He can come back."

Everyone turned toward him.

"But I'm not dancing with him."

Big Donnie burst out laughing.

Slim shook his head.

"Nobody asked you to!"

"Just making my position clear."

Maggie laughed.

Charlie smiled.

And Eagle Eye leaned back in his chair, listening to the familiar voices around him.

He thought briefly about Ray sitting alone in his house, wondering whether he'd ever be welcome here again.

Then he looked around the circle.

The Boys had their differences.

They argued.

They teased.

They occasionally drove one another crazy.

But when somebody needed a place to belong, they had a remarkable way of making room.

Even if Mickey wasn't willing to dance.

END — NOT SO DIFFERENT